Mental Health
Today is World Mental Health Day so I thought I’d share a little bit about my own mental health experience. I’ve shared snippets in past posts about some of the struggles I’ve gone through, but this post today is going to be about the ups and downs I’ve had with my mental health on a wider scale as an athlete and as a person in general. I’m not going to give any specifics exactly, but if y’all want to know more about anything I mention below let me know J.
I’ll start this off with some very blunt honesty (which is my specialty, or so I’ve been told). I’ve been taking antidepressants for a little over two years now, see a therapist regularly, and see a therapist specific to sport. If I didn’t start doing these 3 things to improve my mental state and well-being, I’m not sure where or what I would be doing right now, but I do know that I would’ve quit swimming a while ago. So, a big thank you to the people who have helped me through the darkest time in my life, I’m eternally grateful for y’all.
Growing up I was not a confident kid. I hated the fact that I was born with a genetic condition that makes me look a little different and obviously makes me see the world differently than most people. I tried to blend in- to hide my disability from teachers, peers, friends, strangers, everyone- but obviously It’s pretty much impossible to hide the fact that I can’t read a book without holding it to my face, drive a car, and walk down a flight of stairs without hesitation. Instead of embracing my disability and taking control of what I could do, I sheltered myself by being in my room, alone, whenever I wasn’t in school or going to practice. I didn’t do anything to try and help myself and accepted that the world didn’t care about me. Pretty bleak stuff, but hey, I was an angsty teenager who didn’t know how to articulate my thoughts or feelings. Typical.
Swimming was one of the main activities that helped me find confidence within myself. In the pool I can keep up with people who can see. I can be one of the top athletes on a team and one of the strongest girls in the weight room. Through swimming, I found an outlet where I could be myself and prove to the world, and myself, that despite being visually impaired, I can be an elite athlete and have a purpose and I clutched onto this idea. I was having my whole world revolve around swimming and it carried me through high school and through college as a D1 student athlete.
I pushed my mental health to the side and glided through life holding onto to swimming and relationships to make me feel happy and whole. The problem with this, which I learned the hard way, is that if you are constantly relying on other things beside yourself to make you happy, you will never truly be happy. If you start to find yourself clinging on to a person and that relationship to be the singular source for your mood, you will never be happy. If you start to hold onto the idea of what COULD be and not what is REALITY, you will never be happy.
I’ve only been in one relationship in my life, and I learned so much about myself through it, like how I should be treated, what is right and wrong, and other general life lessons that I simply cannot look back on it and regret it because the truth is I don’t. There are a lot of things that I would have done differently with what I know now, but you can’t change the past, so you learn and move on and take the lessons and knowledge with you into the future. The same thing goes with swimming. I know now that I am so much more than just an athlete. I’m a daughter, sister, friend, student, and a list of other things besides a swimmer.
I’m still working through negative traits I have and I’m constantly learning how to better help myself. The main point of me sharing this is to show that if you feel like you’re in a slump, a rut, like life isn’t what you expected, you’re not alone and there is nothing wrong with reaching out and seeking help. Everyone deserves to be happy in life and if reaching that mental stability means needing a little extra push, then take the leap of faith and find resources to help you help yourself. I guarantee once you do, it will be the beginning of the rest of your life.